Atoned Memories

“Some find it hard to believe. Heh, it took me a while as well. But, it was just not meant to be. Just, like that. It might be…”

The sky is painted with a blue to light orange gradient as the sun was starting to set. The weather seemed to have a pattern of cold nights so Mark decided he would wear a light jacket before he stepped outside. Halfway through the summer and Mark already keeps finding himself with nothing to do except go up on to his roof sometimes and relax. However, one of his good friends, Ian called him up about an hour ago and asked if he wanted to hang out. “What else is there to do?” Mark thought to himself. So they decided to meet at Mark’s house after Ian had dinner.

The sun is barely peaking above the house down the street from his so he decided he would watch the sun set from his lower roof of his house until Ian arrived. Mark jumped on a small ledge past his front door, just below the roof and hopped up on to the rooftop. Just as he started to lie down, he could see his friend’s car pull up onto his street. As Ian parked his car in front of Mark’s house, he waved him down to let him know he’s up on the roof.

“What are you doing up there?” Ian asked as he closed the door to his car.

Mark replied, “Just chillin’ really. Come up and give me company. What have you been up to? What do you want to do tonight?”

“Ah, not much man. I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” Ian said while climbing up the same way Mark did before.

“Alright, what’s on your mind?”

“Well, I feel like my girlfriend and I are having some tension these days. Something seems to be holding us back and I feel like we’re starting to drift off a little.”

Mark laughed a little bit. “So, this is why you wanted to hang out?”

“Ha, yeah, I guess so. Want to help me out?”

In a joking matter, Mark said, “Ugh, sure man, tell me what you got.”

Ian took a deep breath and started to collect his thoughts. The evening seemed to have cooled down a bit more. Slight breezes took birds away from nearby trees and sent them back to their homes in their nests found elsewhere.

“Well, where do I really start? There are times when she calls or texts me, I ignore it and say that I was busy.” Ian’s phone coincidentally started ringing. He checked it and to his surprise, it was his girlfriend. “Like right now, I’m hanging out with you and I don’t really want to answer it. Is that an okay thing to do? I feel like sometimes we talk way too much. But at the same time, we should be talking a lot. Right?”

“Yeah, you guys should talk a lot. I mean, you two are boyfriend and girlfriend. And sure, you can take some time away from her. But tell her that. Or at least tell her that you’re doing something else that is keeping you from answering her. In all the other times, take every chance that you can get. When it comes to people that you are close to, we never keep them as close as we should. Whoever stops to think that this time could be the last?”

—It’s a late night and Mark is up playing video games before he heads off to bed. He’s chatting with his buddies over his headset and is having a good time. His phone starts to chime. The text message says, “Hey babe. What are you up to?” Mark glances at it, but puts it aside. Fifteen minutes pass and the phone chimes again. “Hey, want to talk over the phone tonight? I’m pretty bored.” Mark barely looks at it, enough to see that it’s from his girlfriend until he returns his eyes back to the screen. Forty-five minutes pass and his phone starts to ring. Sighing, Mark looks at it and notices that it’s from his girlfriend again. Hardly thinking about the call and more about the excuse he is going to say the next morning, he puts his phone down and lets it go to voicemail. His phone rang once more soon after and that was the last time the phone was active that night.—

“Alright, I guess I can do that,” Ian said. “But there are some other things as well. I can see physical changes in her. Not like she’s getting fat or anything, but you can see some changes. I’m very close in telling her, but I don’t know if I should. Like, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but, I don’t really know how to approach it.”

“I believe that there’s a crucial moment when you have to tell her, and that time is when it becomes very influential to her. But before that moment, keep telling her that she’s beautiful. If she wants to make herself any different, tell her that she’s beautiful no matter how she looks. Make sure you mean this though. If there is no meaning behind it, then what’s the point of saying it in the first place? If she’s really determined on changing herself, make sure that you help her for the better. Never make the wrong remark.”

—Mark is sitting in the living room watching TV and flipping through the channels. A look of annoyance and aggravation is on his face. His girlfriend is in the other room, trying on a new dress out of a couple of others that she recently bought for their night out that night. She steps out of the room with a step of grace. She has long, flowing brown hair. Her white dress shows her figure fantastically. As she spins around, she asks him how she looks. “Oh, you look, fine,” Mark said emotionlessly. A look of confusion and slight annoyance covered her face. “Honestly? Is that all you can say?” Mark’s girlfriend asked with a slight elevated voice. “Yeah, kind of. You look fine.” She gives him an angry look and walks off into the room she was previously in again.—

The temperature starts to drop as the sun starts to go down a little bit more. They see the neighborhood kids get called in by their parents. Mark suggests that they go up a level on his roof.

Ian sighs and says, “Do we have to? I hate crossing over that corner of your house. Even though I’ve done it countless times, it still seems to scare me when I have to cross it.”

Mark laughs while he’s already starting to grab the corner and step over the gap to the other roof. “You said you’ve done it countless times, why are you so scared? It’s not even that far of a drop. Come on, I want to see the sunset.”

Ian obliges and they start their way to the next rooftop. As they find their usual seats, Ian comes up with another question. “You know, watching sunsets are usually seen by romantic people. How romantic are you Mark,” says Ian with a slight smirk. Mark just laughs once again and shoves Ian to make him off-balance.

Ian exclaims as he regains his balance, “Come on man! I almost fell of the roof!” After they take their seats, Ian sighs and starts to say, “She says that I’m not very romantic. I would like to, I really do. But, it seems that I get caught up in work, classes, friends, organizations and other stuff like that, which makes it tough to do much for her. It makes me sad that even though I try, it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. How can I balance all of this?”

Mark takes a second to think and answers, “Hear me out, if she’s at work, or maybe even at home, send her flowers. Heck, it doesn’t have to be flowers. Just send her something to let you know that you care. Not only is the thought of it that matters, but if she’s at work, she got it in front of everyone else. It shows that you want to show her off. She’s the world and she’s yours.”

—Mark is sitting as his desk looking at his syllabi for his classes this week. His girlfriend is sitting on the bed shopping on her laptop when she suddenly asks, “Hey, are you ever going to take me to a romantic dinner or something? Maybe send me a surprise gift? It’s been a while since we’ve really done something special together.” Mark seems too busy to really take notice and he blindly says, “I can’t. You know I’m too busy with classes and work. I just don’t have the time for it.” His girlfriend has heard this plenty of times but she’s too fed up with it to push him further. She just glares at the back of his head and goes back to her laptop.—

As Ian looks off into the distance toward the sunset, he starts to smile. “Yeah, she is the world to me. I guess I should try making time for her. Man, it’s going to be tough, but I’ll see what I can do. But,” As the smile starts to diminish from his face, “It seems like every time we hang out, we feel disconnected. I mean, we’ve been dating for, what is it, seven months now? Yet we never really get close and snuggle or whatever. Is she pushing me away or am I?”

Mark says, “I can’t say for sure. I don’t know the actions that you guys have done, but if you guys really care about each other,” at this moment Ian passionately says that he does and Mark continues, “Then hold her. Hold her and make her feel like nothing can hurt her and that is the only place she wants to be. A simple hug can be the unspoken word of affection that someone needs.”

—Sunday laziness has taken over Mark and his girlfriend. Mark is sitting in a recliner while his girlfriend lounges on the couch while they watch TV together. As a commercial comes up during their show, How I Met Your Other Mother, Mark’s girlfriend asks, “Hey, can you come lay down with me? I feel lonely over here all by myself.” Mark grumbles and replies, “No, I’m comfy over here. I’m too lazy to move over there.” She then whines and says, “Come onnnnnn. I promise it will be more comfy over here!” Mark simply replies, “Nope.”—

Mark once again suggests that they move to the highest part of his house. Ian agrees and they start making their way up to the third and final level of roof of Mark’s house. At this point, they can feel the breeze much faster and can see most of the neighborhood from this height.

Mark takes a deep breath and says, “Man, I can never get tired of this sight. It’s so relaxing, especially during a night like this. One of these days I want to live in a tall building and watch the sunset from my a balcony.”

Ian replies, “Yeah man, it’s a great sight you got. I wish my house was as easy to climb like yours. I’d never leave my rooftop.”

This time they don’t sit down. The sight and breeze can be felt much better while standing up. While standing, Ian starts to act annoyed by something. Mark asks what’s going on.

Ian looks down and starts to say, “Well, I was just thinking about the times we bug each other. Although I can say that most of the time it’s me, and sometimes I just snap at her. I’m starting to realize that it’s becoming more often than not. What should I do? I want to say sorry, but I feel like the damage has already been done.”

Mark also looks down before answering, “It’s never too late to say sorry. The last thing you want to do is hurt someone that is close to you. You may not notice, but each time you strike into the heart, the bond of trust is slowly deteriorating. Don’t break that trust. Once it gets to the breaking point, it’s more difficult to recover than the first time. Just make sure it’s not too late”

—….Mark and his girlfriend are arguing in the living room of his house. A strong exchange of words is happening and sharp, emotional movement is evident…Both of them are arguing in the car before leaving to go for dinner. The yelling can be heard outside of the car as clear as the other side of the street even with the doors and windows closed….Before going to bed, the two exchange arguments over the phone before they both hang up and toss their phones aside….—

Ian sighs and brings his head up and replies, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I hope I just didn’t cut too deep and it’s not too late to say sorry.”

The sky is now flooded with the color of dark warm colors as the sun tries to make its mark on the last remain land it can touch with its sunlight.

“Getting kind of late, isn’t it?” Mark said.

“Yeah, I should probably head out pretty soon,” Ian replies, “But I’ve got one more thing that’s bugging me. Sometimes when we are in public, I try not to show my affection. I’m scared of people judging us. And I always seem to get ridiculed of PDA and whatnot every time I do show affection in public. Most of the time when I ignore the best times to hold hands or kiss, she seems distraught. But, I just can’t help it.”

Mark, quick to answer, “Take those moments. Grasp each and every single one. Hell, spontaneously do it. But really, don’t be afraid. How will you be able to show that you care for her if you can’t do it in front of the whole world? Embarrassment is only an illusion.”

—Mark and his girlfriend are walking down the street in front of his house, hand in hand. However, when Mark sees his friends run up after parking their car down the street, he quickly jerks his hand away from hers. She looks at him with a questioned and upset face, but he doesn’t realize. Mark is more concerned about his friends and his appearance to them.—

Ian takes a moment to think and says, “Maybe, all of these thoughts that I’m having are an illusion. Like, maybe they are hindering me from actually having a great relationship with my girlfriend.”


At that moment, Ian’s phone rings. His girlfriend is on the line. He glances at Mark, but Mark just nods as a sign to answer it.

Ian picks it up and talks over the phone, “Yeah…Uh huh…That’d be great! I’ll treat you to dinner or maybe something after that, sound good? … Awesome, I’ll see you in a bit.” He hangs up the phone and starts to get up. “Seems like she wants to see a late night movie,” Ian says.

Mark replies, “That’s great man! It’s getting late though so you better get going quickly.”

“Yeah, I’m about to head out.” As Ian starts his way down the roof, he looks back and says, “Hey man, thanks for all you’ve done. I really needed someone to talk to and it seems like you were my unlucky victim. Sorry for leaving you so abruptly like this. Maybe we can play some video games later or something?”

Mark laughs and says, “Don’t worry about it man. I’m here for you dude. But there’s one thing I want you to do the next time you see her. I want you to kiss her passionately. Tell her that you love her. Make sure you mean it. And take her to a restaurant or snack area that she likes even though it may not be your favorite.”

Ian looks a bit confused, but gives Mark his word. Ian hops off the lowest part of the roof and runs off to his car. He waves at Mark as he sets off toward his girlfriend’s house.

The night has started to become a lot colder than it used to. Mark comes to a conclusion that he should probably go inside. He stands up, and takes one last look at the neighborhood and the sunset. He takes a necklace out from his pocket and starts to look at it while his head is flooded with past memories.

"…It might be that our relationship was not meant to be, but the crossing of our paths were. Maybe our paths will cross again. But, maybe not. Though, the experiences I have had, and missed, those are the things I will take away."

Thoughts and Rambles 15

Been a while hasn't it? No, not just the last time I wrote one of these, but it's been a whole year. A lot of things have happened haven't they? Oh, a lot has happened in the past couple of months, I can be sure of that. A lot has gone through my mind as well. So many thoughts, so many emotions. Gets overwhelming sometimes.

Let's start off with talking about change. Feels like I talk about this topic a lot. But, I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of it. No matter how much you despise it, no matter how much you try to forget about it, not matter how hard you try to resist it, change will happen. And we are then forced to adapt. We are humans. That is what we do. We go through changes, and then we adapt to them. Heck, look at all the statuses that people put up about the Timeline change for Facebook. First couple of days people are like, "omg wtf I hate this new timeline thing! Quit changing Facebook!" One thing I have to say about that is, you better deal with it. We go though many evolutions through our time. It's your choice to deal with it or not. But here's another thing, if you stay in the past, you're going to be left behind and bad things are going to happen. I'll admit, I've been a bit behind on the changes. I am a slow adapter, I'll admit to that. I'll be slow on catching on to jokes, trends, education, whatever. It takes me a bit longer than the usual person. And realizing that is very difficult. It's a huge reality check. But you know what? I need to learn to change my methods in order to do well. That is my goal. That's one of my New Year's Resolutions. Change and Adapt.

People. Another element that is subject to change. We gain people, we lose people. This past year, I gained some friends. And I am very grateful of that. I found someone who is making me happy. Someone who is making me happy through some tough times I'm going though right now. Even though we may have our disputes already since of most likely my self-state, she's there. And some of my friends do give me support as well though some tough times. I do hope I can make some new friends as well. And there are some friends who have not given me support. There are some friends who I have lost, and who I feel like I am losing. I know one friend that I have seemed to have already lost. A mixed feeling about this loss, so I can't really describe it. Maybe this disconnection is good, but maybe it's not. I can't tell. What I do want to say is that I hope to reconnect with my lost friends if possible. I don't like losing friends because for one moment in my life, that is someone I can trust about something. Someone I can hang out with and have good times with. Even though we may have forgotten ourselves back then, time will remember us. I hope we can someday as well. Resolution: Become a person you, [Kevin], want to be. Be someone who you would like, no, someone who you would love. Become someone you want to strive to be.

Love. Now this is a very delicate topic to discuss for love is something that should be taken seriously. Love comes in many different forms such as the relationship between partners, family, friends, and yourself. Right now, I want to talk about the love within one's self. Why this one and not the others? Because it's something that has been on my mind, and I believe you have to love yourself and the things you are doing in order to truly love someone else. Love the things you are doing...Let me think about this for a minute. Love the things you are doing. Take a step back for a moment. How many times have you said, "I love what I'm doing right now." How many times have you said the opposite? Is the ratio in favor of the love side or not? What are you going to do to fix that? What are you going to do to keep that? Find that something that will make you happy. Something that will make you truly happy. Not what makes your peers happy, but what makes you feel pure joy inside yourself. It seems like happiness is the hardest things to find, along with love. But that's why those two go hand in hand. They are closely related, at least I believe so. So for this resolution: Find something you love. Find something that will make you happy. Find something that you want to strive for, something that you really want to go for and can't wait to get there. Motivation is a hard thing to grasp, but [Kevin], I know you can do it. Even though it may seem far off, even though when people doubt, try for it. Failure is not an option, but an opportunity. Strive to be the best. Strive to love, to be happy.

To end things off, there has been a thought that has gone through my mind. I wish we lived in a world where we live in a so called fantasy world. Here's my inner nerd coming out but I wish we lived in a world where could adventure places like in a video game. Where people are sent on journeys to become heroes. Either we live in a super futureistic world and we all have superhuman abilities, bulllets don't kill, swordplay is honored, and some other crazy stuff; or we live in the past where people wear steel armor when they go to battles, ride on horseback, swordplay is honored, and other things as well. Heck, I would love to live in a world of Pokemon. Who wouldn't? Ha, swordplay seems to occur in two of those things, but I have to admit, swordplay is pretty facinating in my opinion. But, the real reason why is because I feel like we live in a world where emotions are played, and not brought out in truth. If we were sent out on journeys, if we weren't bound to jobs, to money, to the economic standars, life would be interesting. I don't know how that would work exactly, so don't ask me how. I'm just pretty much going off of what I experience in video games and things I read. Yeah, I sound like a nerd and a hippie maybe, and you can judge all you want. But I'll let you know that I'm not going to go off and try stuff like that. But I'm just saying, I want true human emotions to play out more often then they do right now. It's like we don't express ourselves enough. We are all told what to do, we are all held to obligations, we are all held down by something. It's like the quote that the Dalai Lama said,

"The Dalai Lama was asked what surprised him the most; 

he said, "Man, because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. 

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. 

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; 

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; 

he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived."

Do we live? Have you lived this past year? What are you going to do next year? Will you become a better person? Will you fufill your New Year's Resolutions? Will you live? Anyways, remember your resolutions, [Kevin]. Keep them. Keep them close along with the people that will support you. It may seem bleak, it may seem hard, it may seem impossible, but you can do it. I know you can. You know you can, and will.

I will succeed.

Happy New Year's everyone. May the year 2012, and the rest of the years bring the best of you. =)

Set back to start

Well, I finally set all of my posts from somewhere else onto here. All the posts so far are just, as the titles say, thoughts and rambles from myself. Usually they are just random things that I just think of late at night. Some of them are up for interpretation. Hopefully I can keep posting some stuff. If you enjoy them, let me know! It'll make me more motivated to make more and be more active on this blog!

Thoughts and Rambles 14

You and I began as strangers.

I miss "you." "You" were the one who knew what "you" were doing. "You" seemed to have everything figured out. But then what happened? Did "you" lose that sort of confidence? Did "you" forget what you said? Something changed. Something happened, but "you" don't know what. Neither did the other person(s). Or, maybe "you" figured out something else, but decided to keep it to your own.

You became my life.

So, are "you" sure "you" made the right choice? Did "you" regret anything? It's a shame how fast things can change. It's a shame how things are also quick to arise from the depths of our forgotten memories. Or at least they want to be forgotten. But there is something that lingers, something that makes that memory want to still be there. Do "you" know what it is?

We will become...

"You" pushed away things that "you" said never would be. But it's inevitable. In order to have things done, lies must be said. Difficult, but true. Sometimes, I wonder what "you" are thinking or were thinking. At times, I wish that I couldn't be able to think about "you." I don't know a lot, but I do know some things. Some things are left unfinished. "You" know most of them, but some were just kept secret. Maybe that's it. Those secrets should have been kept, or expressed. As my eyes close, I look into a reflection of what it once was and what it was dreamt to be. I know "you" are still there. Deep within, waiting for something. I hope I can find it. If not, then someone else. I just want "you" to be you.

Strangers, again.

(Multiple interpretations is key for this one)

Thoughts and Rambles 13

"We can only see

Nights like tonight, I wish I could just stop time. I want to just hold this moment forever. Breathing in this familiar air is something that cannot be done anywhere else. I've spent all of my life here up to this point. This is where I came from, this is where I know I can forever call this place home. Here, I can look at the past, dwell in the present, and determine my future. So many things bring back memories. I will find myself, just standing at some point in my house, recreating the same scenery that was once there. I will catch myself creating my own time traveling machine. It's something that I wish I will never forget. Memories of my childhood. This is the time of innocence. This is the time where anything was possible. I knew no boundaries. I knew of no limits. Actually, I probably didn't know anything. But that was the best part. Not know any better than the best. This is where I made my foundation. This is where my parents, my siblings, my friends, made my foundation for my self being. And for that, I can not thank them enough. Sometimes, I wish I could reminisce for much longer than I do. I wish I don't catch myself sometimes.

But it has to happen. I have to notice it was the past. Grasp that fact, hold it close, and make it my own to use. The present right now, (and I guess I'm relating it to recent years, mainly the teenage years) is the part where it all comes together. At least, for the most part. Right now, as I sit under a single light in the cool darkness of my family room reminiscing, I look at the pieces of myself and determine who I have really become. And at this moment, I can't say that I'm proud of myself. I honestly can't. I have let my pride get the best of me. I have let my emotions take control over logic (heck, look at what i'm doing now). I have become someone that I have come to see to be lesser than I once was. But at the same time, I have made progress. I have made someone new. There are words that I have heard not to long ago. Something that made me think for a bit. "It's not about making yourself presentable. But approachable." Now this has a lot of thinking behind it. Or at least I do think so. These words are so closely related, but in fact, they have a very separate meaning. I am not going to go into any depth, because some other people may have their own interpretations. But to get back on some track, there's something I need to change. Something about the present, is making me uncomfortable.

As I wonder, will it change? Do I have the power to make this change? Or does it fall in the hands of destiny? Do I have the power of destiny? Is destiny something that we make of it? How do we know from what we know? Will we know? I have plans of my own to make myself in the future, a much more better being. I want myself to know that my name will have a connection to myself. And I want it to be what I want it to be. I will use the past to help me guide my future. I will use the present to help me know what I have recently become and what I have recently done. Too many thoughts are going through my mind. Other topics I would like to talk about, but I've made this note too long for my liking already. There was something about driving earlier this evening. The fact that things pass by so quickly and my mind was going at a pace it can relate to reality. That connection, whether fast or slow at a certain period of time, is when I lose myself, but find my own. I need a new topic. I think I'm also done with writing these type of "blogs" here on Facebook. In fact, I might delete them after some time. I'll write them at some other place. A little more private.

as far as we dream."

Thoughts and Rambles 12

It's funny how motivation can make its way into and out of life. It's amazing how easily it can do both. However, it's also hard for the same cases as well. Excuse me for my lack of proper grammar as I make this note. Grammar was never really my strong point and I tend to make a lot of redundant phrases. As if you already didn't know from my previous notes. Anyways, it has been awhile since I've written something down. I've had many ideas of making new notes, but I've been preoccupied with other things and since those times, I have forgotten what I was going to write down. But since I do have some time to myself, I've decided to make this note. I might have made another note based off of this topic, but I usually do not go back and read my past ones after I have made them. So if this is also redundant, so be it.

Motivation

So, what's yours? Motivation comes in almost everything. People can find motivation in the simplicity of the ground to the complexity of the infinite universe. So rather than asking what your specific motivation is, what are your motivations? Also, are you motivating anyone else? What better than to help motivate yourself by motivating other people? The drive to keep people going. The thought that it is you who is making a difference in someone's life. The satisfaction that you are doing accomplishing something.

Do it.

Who says you can't? Who says that you can? This is your life. This is your body. This is your soul. Why are you waiting? Every day, every hour, every minute that you take thinking about the "what if's" is spent wasted instead of doing the "can do's."

I can't.

Two words that are always a go-to. We're all victimized of these two words. They hold us back. They hinder us from being what we can be. It's easy to be demotivated. It's easy to hold things off for another time. So sure, lay back. Take it easy. Do nothing. There's always another hour I could hold it off. There's always another day in which I could do it.

"Yesterday, you said tomorrow."

I cannot really think of much more to say on this topic. Let's see here...

///

You know, it's good to be back home. I missed the privacy that a home has. It's just something here, that brings a sort of peace of mind. However, I'm still missing that certain peace of mind. Something is missing. But what? I have my family here. Is it friends? Is it some material belonging? No, no, I know that something that is hindering me from peace of mind is not something in which I can make or someone can make. Is it a loved one? Is it missing a certain idea? Maybe a certain concept? A feeling? Do I need another feeling to have this sense of another feeling which is peace of mind? But, how am I to gain it? Maybe it's not something I can gain, but something I have to earn. Something that someone has to show me and I have to achieve that certain thing. Maybe, it's something that I have to find myself. What do I long for?

Hobo. That is what I am. A hobo. I was just introduced to the real meaning of the word "hobo." If it is the true meaning. But I was introduced to a new definition. The term "hobo" means "homeward bound." If I remember correctly, it was used to call the people coming home from the Civil War here in America. The soldiers were homeward bound, hobos. Maybe I'm a hobo. Someone who is looking for their home. Someone who is looking to find somewhere, someplace, something, someone else, that can give me that sense of peace of mind.

I miss the past. I miss childhood. It was so innocent. Life seemed so long. Life seemed endless. Back when we were young, we could be anything. We could make anything from everything. Imagination was the key. I want that innocence back. I want a time where curse words were strictly taboo. Even the word butt was considered bad.

But then again, I don't want that back. There are also things in this time that I treasure. The life lessons I have learned. The people I have met. The feelings I have come to know. The mysteries I have encountered. I have become wiser through all of this. I have learned that it is better to regret something that I have done that something that I haven't done. That is how I learn. Through mistakes. Through failure. I wish I could still remember the quotes that I want to put down, but somehow I have forgotten them. Oh well, maybe I'll set them as my status. Or I'll just edit this note and put some in here. Anyways, that's not really the problem.

Actually, what is the problem?

So many situations that I wish could happen. Damn...Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive for my own good. I feel like I may be too romantic for my gender. No, no thoughts that I may be a homosexual or anything. But I don't want this note to go in that direction. Listening to this calming music on Pandora is setting a lot of ideas in my mind and resurfacing past ones. I want to share them to the world, but I also want to hold them so I can just share them to that special someone.

You know what I have come to realize? Some people have their own way with words. They just like to throw them around like they don't mean that much. Well, maybe they like to throw them around like they mean more to someone else than the next person. That bugs me for some reason. Promises are broken that way. Feelings get crushed. Spirits are shattered. But I guess that's how life is. And those people are usually the ones we love the most.

"Love is giving someone the power to hurt you terribly....And hoping they don't."

This quote is heartwrenchingly true. Sometimes, we give someone love, yet, in the end they do something else with it. Some take that word more seriously than others.

In the end, we must all move on. There is a special quote that was introduced to me that I hope to live off of.

"Some try to forget. Some tend to dwell. Me? I will do neither."

I wish I could go up on my roof right now. If it is a clear night, I would love to just look up and gaze up at the stars. Let my mind wander. Sigh, just something seems missing. I really wish I could know what it was. But, maybe that's it. Maybe I have to find it.

One of these days....

Thoughts and Rambles 11

"Now concludes the first battle. Some may not even call it a battle while other may recall it being very difficult. Either way,  we all experienced some of the same things. We all went into the battle with some knowledge of what it will be like. Some were prepared more than others however. Some were wearing and wielding top quality armor and weapons while others were left going in with second choices. That's how it always is. But they made the most of it. We all tried our best to make the most of it.

Some went into the heat of the battle right off the start. They hit the ground running. Hard. Others went in where there were very little resistance. No matter what difficulty everyone entered in as, many were separated from their loved ones. Many were also separated from their closest companions. This distance was either the cause of their fall, rise, or had no affect on them whatsoever.

However, we were not alone. We were never alone. Through the period of the battle they may have made new friends, found new places to call home, and found new loves. However, in order to find new things, some of them had to leave the past behind. Things may have been forgotten in the heat of the battle. But, they will rise up again. They will be found again either by someone new or their previous possessor.

We may have exited the battle with scars that will stick with us forever. But they will not be the last. We may have returned with self-proclaimed badges of honor that we will always cherish. But once again, they will not be the last. The days seemed to have blended into each other. There have been times where I have forgotten what number of the month I was presently in or even what name of the day. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And quite possibly, the complete opposite.

At this time, I have come to some realization in my life. When faced with new things, people change. Everyone does. This does not exclude anyone at all. But through that period of change, we find out who is real, and who is not. We find out the liars from the ones we used to trust, and we find the people who we can trust through the ones that used to lie. The heat of battle changes people. At the brink, we show who we truly are. We show who our true character is. Or what it will become. Is that the final stage though? Of course not. Why would it be? It is much too early to tell.

But here is where we make our foundation. We find out who will step in when the rest of the world turns their back on us. We find out that we may have to be part of the world that turns their back. We find out who we can truly trust. We find out who people are. We find out a little bit more about ourselves. We make ourselves into what we are to become just a little bit more. I hope that when they ask me how I survived, I answer, "With friends." I hope to find myself just a bit more. I still have to finish writing my own story.

Nothing lasts forever. Now enter what you want in to that empty space. You make your own history. You make your own future. You make yourself. That is what I have learned. At least, that is what I have come to know.

Forever ends. Does it? Are promises worth keeping even if they have to be lied about? Was it a lie when I left home and told them I would fight to bring back peace? Does it make sense? Sometimes, lies tell us the truth. I believe there are two types of feelings behind lies. One: To not care enough to tell the truth. Two: To care enough to protect us from the truth. Now tell me, which side do I partake in the most? Did I tell those villagers the right thing? Did I take the lives of my enemies for the better? Who is to be called an enemy when we are all fighting for a cause that we believe in?

Maybe some people live for the drama. Maybe some people live for the adrenaline they get on the battlefield. They want to come back home with scars to prove they have become stronger in many ways. Maybe some people just want to watch the world burn. Maybe some people want that to happen so they can have the opportunity to save the world. So tell me, which side am I on?

Are you the enemy, or are you the hero?

At the end of this war, I hope to tell my story with some words of wisdom. I hope to end this war before the children of this era find out what war is really like. Through this time, I will meet other people. Much more than I have met already. And I can only try to prepare myself. But sometimes life likes to be different and throw everything out of line. Let it be.

So, let it be. Let it go."

Hm, well, this took much longer than I had expected. I had this thought of writing something like this a long time ago, but I never really got around to finishing it. It just ended up adding stuff, deleting stuff, and a whole bunch of other things. But this is called Thoughts and Rambles. But I also wanted this to be a little be different. I wanted this to be like a diary/log of a soldier in war. Not modern time war, I envision it to be like fictional type of war. Does this relate to anything in real life? I don't know. I couldn't honestly tell you. I'll probably end up making edits to this entry. I feel like I need to. Anyways, time to think some more. Man, I think way too much.