Thoughts and Rambles 9

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Thoughts and Rambles 9

by Kevin Yoon on Sunday, October 10, 2010 at 1:05am

Today, I declare to myself a resolution. Why do I choose this day? Well, the least important reason is because of the date. October 10, 2010. In numeric form, 10/10/10. And since 10 is one of my favorite numbers, might as well start today. To bad this isn't my 10th note. To move on to more important matters, I've been noticing a lot and reality is hitting me hard. School is much hard than what it once was. I'm still in the same mind set and it's getting me no where. I need to start picking myself back up, and take the initiative to make a change to my study habits. I need a change. I need to change. But to what extent? I've also noticed in myself that I have changed in personality. I miss the old self. The old me. However, I still need to change the old me. What I'm trying to say really is that I need to change the academic part of the old me and regain the personality of the old me. I would also like to regain the physical state that the old me was in. I'm out of shape. But that's really besides the point. I need to take a step in the right direction. As of right now, I'm stumbling and falling hard. But as the old proverb goes, "Fall seven times, stand up eight." I've got so much on my mind. I need to lay it out on a more organizable fashion. But, it's harder than it seems for me. I just need to get myself to work. I just need to stop worrying and do something about it. I have to take care of myself. Life has changed. I must too. But I must also know where I am to change. Where are we heading? What are we heading for? What is the cause? Destiny? Is destiny something we can make or control? Or is it just out of our reach? So many questions. So many worries. So many thoughts. I need a break. A break from myself. A change for myself. The resolution starts now. Get to it Kevin.

Thoughts and Rambles 8

Change. Promises. Love. Hate. Thinking. Fake. Accepting. Impossible. Broken. Shattered. Someone. No one. Keep going? Future.

Thoughts and Rambles 7

Well, here I am. The next level of life I suppose. Boy do I feel homesick. It's such a change here coming from where I was. I'm already so lost and feeling inferior to all the talent here. Hopefully I'll find my place. Hopefully it'll find me as well. Looking back, I miss those days. So carefree. Childhood had such an innocent feeling to it. Quoting a passage here:

"Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swining on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up."

Now I would have to say all of that isn't true. And yes, some of it is just part of life. But to think, just to think just for a couple of minutes, that was all true. That was all the innocence we left behind. At least stored away for another time. But, you know how good it would be just to relieve a moment in the past? One good moment and hit rewind all the time? I think it would be great. But that's just me. Of course I would love to hit fast forward and see what the future has in store, but that also creates a fear. A fear of knowing what will happen and if I could change it or not. Change. Such a determining word.

Change is inevitable. Spell check that but whatever. I'm pretty sure I've written about change before, but I'll hit on it again. It's just a matter of adaption. Adaption both of the person who is experiencing change and who is witnessing it. How can we adapt? What are the correct ways? Is there one? Do we try to stop it? Do we try to accept it? Who, what, when, where, and why? Well, maybe not all those 'w' words, but you get the drift. I'm facinated by change. However, it's not all good.

You know when you get that feeling in your body that you're just about to break? Oh, I do. Well, not exactly break, but you know. Like an overwhelming sense of nervousness or anxiety. It freaking sucks. Especially in a place where you know very few people and can't physically communicate with old friends and family. I could break off and go into communication right now, but I think I'm going to hold it off for here. It's getting a bit to depressing. Sorry for that. And no, I'm not depressed. Just tired, anxious, worried, and a whole lot of other emotions. Anyways, take care. Have a good night.

Thoughts and Rambles 6

New clothes, new electronics, new style, new character, and soon a new life. Four years has come and gone, and now another is on its way. Am I ready? Hardly. Am I going to give up? No. Struggles are part of life. We have to learn how to analyze, compute, resolve, and act. Easier said then done however. It always is. Trying to tell yourself that it'll be okay, that you'll be okay if it happens. However, lies can get only so far. It's sort of like a security blanket I suppose when we were little. Something we could easily go to and hold on to. But we soon realize in the future that it was all in the mind. Ha, depressing words no? Sorry sorry, no intention. Just talking and rambling. Childhood. Such an innocent part of our lifetime. Carefree. Everything was possible. Floor burns and minor cuts were the only things that could prove you were tough. And goodbyes only meant until tomorrow. I'm surely missing some other childhood memories but it's late. I also know that some people didn't have the best of a childhood. And to them, I am sorry. I went through some difficult times dealing with racism. But, I learned to ignore it when it came my way and some of my fellow classmates grew out of it too. Ha, look at me talking like I'm old. Trying to relapse memories that were hardly ten years ago. But think, ten years ago was a new millennium. Now, so many things have changed. People come and go. Drama happens regularly. Love becomes issues. Feelings conflict. Hormones rage. Influences arise. Friends become enemies. Enemies become friends. The list goes on. Too bad that's not going to change. It's going to last forever. Ah, how I wish so many things. Life is a gift though. We shouldn't take it for granted, but there are sayings that says it's okay. So, what's correct? I don't know. It's up to the person reading them I suppose. But it's whatever. It's time to move on. Too much trouble dwelling in the past. Too bad it's part of our foundation.

Thoughts and Rambels 5

 (Posted originally 30 minutes before the midnight of my birthday)

In my last thirty minutes of being a minor, it's got me to think just a little bit more. Well, I wasn't born until around ten to ten thirty A.M., but that's besides the point. It's amazing how so many things have come out to what they are now. Looking back to when I was only in the low single digits of my age, I remember being invincible. Everything was possible. I could do anything when I grow up. It doesn't seem that hard, everybody is doing it. That's right, everybody is doing it. Everybody is growing up...Hard to take in once we really look at it. As the years go on, we never have a moment in time where we can just freeze time and space and look at the world. We hardly have enough time to stop and look at our own life. We have so much to do. But, how much time do we have? Did we want to do what we wanted to do in the time period we have been given up to now? Have I done what I wanted in this near to eighteen years of my life? I'll be the first to say it, no. At least, I haven't. The sad thing is that, we can't really make up time. We have to keep moving. We just have to restart on what we wanted to do. I hope I have changed some lives over the past years. And I hope that I can change more in the future. I have been changed by many lives. It's amazing how so many things can inspire, distraught, create, and destroy my life. One thing that has held me back the most is shyness. To the people I know close and are becoming close to, they know that shyness is no longer a major essence of my character. But looking back, I know I was shy when I was first talking to them. I keep breaking down barriers of that shyness. I owe it to my very close friends. It's amazing how just talking to someone, just doing a little action with them, can change their life for better, or for worse. In my life, I hope to change lives for the better. I hope to change my life for the better. Sigh, sometimes, I figure that I am too sensitive sometimes. Reduces my manliness, you know? Hahaha, yeah, yeah. So much has passed, so much to think about, so much I could be writing down, but I shall leave that for future notes. I want to spend these last few minutes thinking to myself about...Well, about a lot of things.

Thoughts and Rambles 4

So that forgiveness cannot be tainted by the wrong-doings of another. For it is only to heal. This is one of the deadliest weapon we have as humans. If we cannot forgive, then how can there be peace? If we cannot forgive, how can there be love? I'll say how, to not even allow the chance of forgiveness to happen. No, not as to not allow the persons to not have the capability to forgive, but to not let them have reasons. We must live to the image of perfection. Forgiveness must only happen in giving balance on inanimate objects. Forgive and forget? Never. Do not give the chance. To not give the reasons. But if it does happen, we must ask for the weapon to be brought upon us and upon others. Shall this weapon be used for evil or for good? Only the holder will tell. With the clutch of forgiveness, one holds the essence of another or one's own self. . . .

Thoughts and Rambles 3

It's at the end where we show the truth. It shows either if we have come to show determination, strength, dedication, or love. It can also show if we have the lack of confidence, weakness, no care, or hate. Either way, it is where we show who we really are. We can show love even if we hate what we are doing. How we show love is by loving our self and others. We must try to stay strong. We must try to be the best even if all are superior. Does that stop us? No. We are the human race. We strive for the best. We run towards the head of the human race. We all want to be better. To be the best. Every task that we have confronted, have accepted, and even regret have made us stronger. We may think it has made us weak because what we have done may be useless, but if we are to fight through, we have accomplished the mission of doing something that we may hate. Then, other things may not look as bad. At that end, we have become stronger. But in order to be strong, we must also help others become strong with us. But to whom? Choices, choices. But is it really a choice we have to make? Is it our right to make a choice of who we help and who we step on? We can't possibly make everyone happy, but we can sure try. Sigh. Only a few weeks longer. Not short enough. It will never be. Oh well. . . .